Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Since 1/20/17 I feel like I'm in the 1988 movie "The Live" and I'm one of the few people with a pair of the sunglasses.

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   I burped & now I'm hungry. Along the same lines, I wonder if a big fart right now would make me horny.

   new band idea: nippleback

   A guy at Target wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat and a MAGA t-shirt was buying a 65 inch TV so I said “Man, you’re really gonna be able to see the players kneeling on that thing.”

   Thank you for all your kind messages on my birthday.....and thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   I'm busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison!

   I bought the book, Fear by Bob Woodward, what a fantastic read.

   "How to tweet while on the seat" by guess who.

   When a client's (djt) lawyer, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know their guilty.

   What the “booming economy” means to me: higher prices for food, healthcare & gas. Anyone else feeling it?

   57 years old and I'm still not coordinated enough to pass gass with a full bladder

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   The sequel to the book Fear willbe TEARS he's still president.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.