Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas prices are so expensive...it would be cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere!

   The problem with women is they will assume everything but the position.

   And in other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.

   Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "what's wrong ahmed, won't it start."

   when a friend messages you a GIF image for your birthday, is that a birthday GIFt ?

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian, I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   Does anyone else ever wonder why the game uno doesn’t have the rest of the cards in Spanish?

   Back in the day google was the encylopedia.

   What is it that you have that other people use more often than you do?....... Your name :)

   I love the fact that "Take Out" means food, dating, and murder.

   "This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   Saw a new woman's talk show called "The Woman's Talk hour." It's on weekdays from 1pm to 3:30pm.

   no one could ever hate me half as much as I dont care