Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take the hint people...... Earbuds are a do not disturb sign.

   I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.

   I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.

   Where do I sign up for the Space Force? I've heard "not if you were the last guy on Earth" so space is still hopeful

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.

   No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.

   If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!

   You know that your wife's cooking is bad when dessert is Tum's chewables.

   "Good people don't go into goverment." D.J.T.

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   Auto Repair Price List Ping-Ping-Ping 35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk 50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk 125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud 200.00 Clank-Thud-Clank 325.00

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   Forty years ago I asked this beautiful woman to marry me . . . She responded with, "GET LOST, CARL! YOU CREEP ME OUT!"

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?