Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you go in the ocean to pee, go in past your waist.

   Do you know who I think I'am?

   Did you hear about the japanese lady that gave birth while taking a bath?she named her kid'' so kin wet''

   My wife has a slight speach impediment........ Every now and then she stops to take a breath.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!

   Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.

   I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now

   I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.

   They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.