Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [first date] Him: Let's take the stairs! Me: I think we should see other people.

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   Me, looking at the calendar: It's August already?? WTF!

   Wives, husbands talk in their sleep because it's the only time they get a chance to talk.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   "Collusion is not a crime." Unless it was done by Hillary.

   You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   I don't mean to sound raci$t but two men should never get married!

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.

   People spend a fortune on insect proofing their houses and buying fly-spray..then eat in the garden?

   Well!..my survival talk to a group of backpackers went very well last night!..they were all on the edge of their seats!

   Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

   To the person who stole my diet pills, you have nothing to gain.

   "Why does someone expect to receive respect when that someone doesn't give respect? "