Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.

   A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.

   I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.

   The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.

   I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.

   Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.

   My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   I travel a lot. Recently I was over there on the other couch