Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you hate people who throws their own son under the bus?

   If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

   I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.

   My friend likes country music so I wrote him a song for his birthday called I Went Down On My Sister And It Tastes Like Daddy Ate Pineapple.

   me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   What do you call a man who has everything? A bachelor.

   At least good old Bill didn't have to pay for blowjobs and sex.

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.

   If illegals in California start using plastic straws, will they finally be deported?

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   "Did I ever tell you I played sport in high school?" - fat people

   If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

   I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.