Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!

   "Why is it that a insecure person(d.j.t.) needs to express their accomplishments that they never accomplished.

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy. Pack her bags and leave.

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   I'm attending the next Trump rally because I love puppet shows.

   George W said he spoke with Osama, and Osama said he didn't do it.

   "You tube's How to use a fire extinguisher shouldn't have a advert before it.

   "The summit meeting went so well that putin is thinking of letting trump be president for another four years."

   Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   Oh where oh where can the server be? .... Oh where oh where can it be?..... trump wants the server and he wants it now.... Oh where oh where can it be?

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

   *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

   Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?