Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.

   Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.

   "Wonder why no one came to the kamikaze pilot's reunion dinner."

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do.

   I’m the way I am because of that very first time I sneezed and no one blessed me.

   What kind of psychopath scrambles their eggs in the pan rather than before they’re put in the pan?

   Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   "Just rewards: Being the judge that willbe judging a hearing of your high school bully."

   Hey YouTube, just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever ...

   Someone gave me a free pen without their knowledge today. Well, I took a pen.

   I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....

   When the queen's butler announce that it was tea time. Trump said to the queen " Oh, You play golf too?

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   There's a Father Nature, too, but all he's responsible for is the temperature.

   Maybe if all 50 states legalized marijuana, we would all be handling this presidency much better.

   day 489 without sex: the demon I see in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis lookin kinda cute now