Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   West Virginia is just Virginia's white suburb...

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   I wonder, what would Trump do without FOX News?

   Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.

   One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

   Being constantly preached about things is no reason to hate a person or group of people.

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?

   If you wake up to pee, don't "take a second" to check your Facebook. It's a trap.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.