Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   Gynaecologist: A female private investigator.

   The definition of surprise: a fart with a lump in it.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Father inlaw: A priest who is also a lawyer.

   Thank you student loans for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   The cemical formula for holly water: H2 OMG

   Don’t send me the 1 pic you liked lemme see the hundred you didn’t like

   Hear those bangs and explosions? That’s the sound of freedom. That’s America! Let’s not deny others this opportunity.

   Let them enter the country legally and they can enjoy all the freedom they want.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Pour a drink while you pore over the poor grammar.

   I am not who you think I am. YOU, are who you think I am.

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   I want to grow old with you - me, to my couch

   Careful! That's my only VHS copy of "The Money Pit".

   I don't need Google...... My wife knows everything.

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.