Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

   A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

   Who has no heart, brains or courage? The tinman, scarecrow and lion. Who did you think I meant?

   I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.

   Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :)

   I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

   Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

   Trump to visit the U.K. in the next two weeks. That will only give him 14 days to learn how to speak english.

   With all of trump's space force talk. Will he soon refer him self as the new rocket man?

   I have come to the conclusion, that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all of my missing socks.

   No matter how much you shake your peg...... The last drop always goes down your leg.

   Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

   Are robots really not able to click those "I am not a robot" buttons? Then we got pretty dumb robots

   How do you get wine stains off of a cat? Asking for a friend.

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?