Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   If Trump cured cancer, democrats would say he caused hospital profits to drop...

   If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!

   Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .

   "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.

   And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.

   If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy a Millennial's ability to even.

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

   You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

   Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

   It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.

   I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.

   Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   With the gas price so high, it's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere

   What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo recieves before leaving the factory? Two test-tickles.