Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half my Facebook friends have just become immigration lawyers within the past week!

   I've been hard at work all day today. I accidentally took a viagra pill in stead of my vitamin this morning.

   If Rudy Giuliani gets a divorce in New York, are he and his wife still cousins?

   Tender Age Shelter sounds like something spray painted onto a van parked outside of a grade school while the owner offers kids free candy.

   I never imagined we’d reach a point where we’d wish Donald Trump would just build his wall instead.

   'Womp womp' will be the sound Corey Lewandowski's butt will be making in prison after the Mueller investigation wraps up.

   "Womp womp." -Judge sentencing Corey Lewandowski to prison

   BREAKING: Trump considering growing a funny little mustache.

   How long until we find out these tents and cages are made by Trump or a friend of his?

   The only people that should be in cages are strippers.

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

   I think Stephen Hawking would be alive today if his family had called an ambulance and not taken him to PC World?

   I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."

   Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

   All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

   I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.

   When I'm struggling to pull on a turtleneck I start to worry what the world will be like when I get to the other side.

   It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.