Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!

   Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.

   Will there soon be a trump beach hotel in North Korea

   In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".

   Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.