Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women are Bi. It’s your job to guess whether it’s sexual or polar.

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter!

   I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....

   I know how to save 'Roseanne'. Name it 'Dan'.

   I would give a billon dollars to hear the audio of Donald Trump & Kim Kardashian attempting to have a policy discussion about prison reform.

   Breaking: President Trump to meet and discuss foreign policy with the cash me outside girl

   An ambien walks into a Barr.

   Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.

   so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)

   Looking forward to the nuclear disarmament talks with Justin Bieber next month.

   Kim Kardashian in the White House is, Kim Thong Un.

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?

   How to make your own holy water. Step1 take a 2qt pot and fill with water. Step 2 place on burner. Step 3 turn burner on high. Step 4 boil the hell out of the water.

   If Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un break up again Taylor Swift’s gonna write a song about it.

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Facebook became unpopular with teens the same day it became popular with their parents and grandparents.