Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

   Hey, Starbucks...looks like your “Open Borders” policy kinda failed miserably after 2 day’s, huh?! Imagine that...

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   Can we talk about how crabs are too much stress for the little meat they give?

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   (inventor of the ladder) I’m gonna french kiss that giraffe

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   One of Kim's buddies called Pence a dummy, so Trump cancelled the meeting. Not making that up. That literally happened. This is middle school-level drama.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   Canadian sex is like American sex but with more apologizing and less guns.

   What type of car does an electrician drive........ A Volts-wagon.

   When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.

   I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?