Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

   Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.

   Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   [lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"

   If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.