Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I broke because of my gambling...... I hit the lottery and left her.

   God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark.

   remember moms, if you smell burnt toast you're not having a stroke...its the kids trying to make breakfast

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   I'm so old I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.

   Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.

   I'm no English major, but shouldn't Apple's Tim Cook have encouraged those graduates to "think differently"??

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   Relationships are like a game of cards... "You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run"

   Confuciushe says: Man who fight with wife all day, gets no piece at night.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   The only permanent cure for snoring is a sledgehammer.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   Pride Parade bans Drag Queens, it offends transgenders.Libs are confused on what side to take.

   You're not going to be able to build a house with the first swing of the hammer.. so chill the heck out and learn patience...