Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   It's Be THE Best. There you go, I fixed it for you. You're welcome!

   Hacked into Santa's computer and obtain is naughty girls list........ Looks like there be no more lonely nights for me.

   my car has air conditioning

   Everyone is afraid for their lives, but I guess only cops can use it as a defense.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

   Decaf is the handjob of coffee.

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died and were content with it.

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   FYI, an extra $1.25 isn't considered a great increase, IMO. Just saying....

   When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice.

   My new motto is "Get drunk or try dying!"

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.

   Bought a stick deodarant. Instruction say "remove cap and push up bottom"....... I have trouble walking, but when I fart, the room does smells nice.

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between

   When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.