Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.

   "No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

   My wife's coffee is so strong it puts hair on your chest........ And takes it off if you spill it.

   i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice to long?....... Polaroids

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   Trump needs to stop worrying about Mueller and start worrying about Giuliani

   Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   The difference between carbon monoxie and my wife is..... Carbon monoxie is a silent killer.

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

   When in the hell did All you can eat buffets become everything I can't eat buffets.

   What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell

   I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.

   There are now way too many people on this planet. We need a new plague.