Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Patient: Doc, I feel miserable, worthless, unhappy, and I have no money. Doctor: I see...... How long have you been married?

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.

   "Dora the Explorer" only rhymes when somebody from Boston says it.

   I don’t trust people who drive like a turtle and then all of a sudden find the gas pedal and weave in and out of traffic the minute you pass them up. The only impression I have of you is, you must be bipolar

   We are all free to walk our own path. My path is full of my husband’s socks and shoes

   I think the word alimony should be spelled aliMOANy

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?

   Hillary Clinton, so ugly that when she gives head it should be considered anal.

   Kayne West says slavery was a choice for the blacks. Yeah, Kanye is real normal alright.

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Well, Kanye West did marry into the Kardashian’s so you can just imagine the levels of stupidity in that house

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   Confusion: Father's day in the ghetto

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at Old Navy right now.

   Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim has kids, but deep down he knows Beyonce has the best kids of all time.