Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

   I've come to the conclusion that the things I most desire in life are illegal, very expensive, fattening, bad for my health, too young for me, or married to someone else.

   Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet. Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!

   Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. And also, he says he's been a good and faithful husband.

   Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

   Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   Sorry I freaked you out by paying attention. I keep forgetting that people don't do that anymore.

   Fun Fact: In the year 2020, 4/20 will be an entire month.

   She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."

   4 20

   If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.

   Apparently, Russia has the best hookers. I know where i'm going on vacation now.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Do condoms come in 'fun size' wrappers?