Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.

   I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ is not saying "You can bang all the porn stars you want, as long as you glue a plastic fish on your car's bumper".

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage

   Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

   If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes

   A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   Trump has repeatedly broken at least 4 of the 10 commandments: Adultery, theft, dishonesty, and coveting. Doesn't read the bible, go to church, ask for forgiveness from God, or repent. Yet the evangelical support him against the will of God.