Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   I carry a kazoo in my fanny pack in case anyone initiates small talk.

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year

   What a great interview on ABC. I especially loved it when James Comey says President Trump is a serial liar, treats women like “meat” and is a “stain” on all who work for him. Greatest show ever!

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   If you don't post it, how will anyone else get to read it?

   I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.

   In the 90s, we had scaredies: group photos where one person looked afraid the stranger taking the picture was going to steal their camera.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   The only way I would jump off the Trump train is if I find out he had sex with Hillary.