Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MASA - Make America Smart Again

   Having a search warrant is not a break in .

   Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

   Maybe I should have just gotten in the van.

   wife [with me in a headlock] Stop saying “Dilly dilly”

   "I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting

   When a double agent goes rogue. At long last looks like Trump has turned on his Russian handlers.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   ;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress

   My dad is afraid to sleep by himself. When my mom went to vist aunt, dad had the lady from next door come over and sleep with him.

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   Zuckerberg - the only time this year we've seen somebody apologise, and it wasn't for sexual harrasment!

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.