Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   these keys I hold in my hand open up a very important part of my life,.. your chastity belt

   Tropical Storm, hurrican Alex, is expected to hit the Gulf of Mexico today/tomorrow. They're saying it may interfer with the cleanup from Bp's oil spill. That's too bad: because it's been going so well.

   I'd still choose rock over paper in a real fight.

   I'm starting to get a bit worried that Canada isn't going to win the World Cup this year.

   It's simply way too hot today for me to believe global warming is real.

   I wouldn't mind all the diving and faking in soccer if, at random times during each game, a trapdoor opened to a pit of hungry crocodiles.

   The dog keeps licking his butt and staring at me. I don't feel bad for him though. I tried to give him toilet paper and he ate it.

   Never looking back doesn't make you an optimist, lady, it makes you a horrible driver.

   stayed up half the night waiting for this special lunar eclipse everyone was all excited about...only to find out it was some silly movie. Now I'm tired too...

   I asked my son if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!

   Yeah, let me get this right, a guy name Samson gets his super strength from his hair? Is this what rational people actually believe? Sounds like a bad hollywood movie idea with Michael Bay production values.

   Just woke up from a colonoscopy with my smock on backwards, Barry White music playing in the background and my doctor with his feet kicked up smoking a cigarette and told me everything went just fine…

   A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a swimming pool...

   I met the most hardcore vegetarian ever. She was also a lesbian..

   Some T.V celebs are jumping on the Sarar Palin bandwagon. Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel

   For sale: A horse. Will consider trade for a kingdom.

   Has anyone invented exploding vuvuzelas yet? (Please don't steal my idea.)

   In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

   thinks that if at first you don't succeed, you should pray that your future Honor Roll student takes care of you.

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.