Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   would like to thank the 5 supreme court justices that allowed us to keep one of our civil rights today. Long live the 2nd amendment!!

   :-O<----[ Sideways bob

   Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Is my statuses your drug? Huh your drug is my status your drug? Because your status is my drug huh your drug? huh your drug is my status your drug?

   want$ $ucce$$ $o $he$ $uppo$edly I$ $elling $ea $hell$ $ea $hore like$ Ke$ha

   Whitney Houston may always love you but I will not! Not after you slept with my sister

   If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either!

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....

   I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says

   go ahead follow in my footsteps but is warning you [s]he walks into walls

   This day needs more yesterday...

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!

   Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.

   If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   Walmart smells like ugly

   The only thing I hate more than people who make fun of other people is people who don't laugh when I do it.