Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you may be an engineer if you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

     It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

   My maths teacher asked me what comes after 69? Apparently "I do" is not the correct answer,

   saw a commercial for the United In Rock Tour (Styx, Foreigner, Kansas) and I thought to myself "I hope they don't play in Arizona...because Foreigner would be screwed."

   come to realize that housework is a lot like shoveling the driveway while it's still snowing, come back 10 minutes later and it looks like you never did it....LOL

   I just read something so funny it made me spit coffee out my nose, which is odd because I wasn't drinking coffee at the time.

   Facebook is changing their privacy settings again. As of tomorrow, Facebook will creep up behind you & give you an atomic wedgie. To change this option, go to Settings > Personal Settings > Sneaky Settings> Wedgie Settings & uncheck the Shenaniga

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

   A man goes into a library and ask for a book on suicide....The librarian replies "F*ck off! you wont bring it back!"

   Making fun of Courtney Love is like shooting Heroin in a barrel.

   "You can lie to me but, Dont lie to Yourself"

   taking a mental vacation...Her body is here but her mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water, sunshine and a cold drink.

   Remember a diamond was merely a lump a coal that did well under pressure..

   Who here thinks Kesha's your love is my drug the starting beat of it is like love game by Lady gaga

   Somebody called me a metrosexual today. What is that like a local term or something? Anyway I'm sitting there getting a pedicure reading Vogue..

   has just seen a dude so ugly, that he look like a rough draft. Dude needs to be proofread and corrections MUST be made... Everythang is wrong... fragments, run-on sentences... damn

   Warning: condoms aren't 100% protective. Her friend was wearing one and he got run over by a bus.

   I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the hell have you started speaking Italian?"

   Waiting 4 the day when 1 of the tri-nations lands(new zealand,australia and south africa)figures out how 2 play american football.then we'll own that sh!t 2.just as we did with england and their rugby lmao.