Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hiding hulk behind his zipper!!!

   nothing tears a family apart like pack of wild dogs.

   Because of The Hangover, the way I say "retard" has forever been changed...

   I pledge resistance to the Czar of the Divided States of America, and the Communism for which he stands. One Socialist, without God, divisible with healthcare and welfare for all.

   Enough With The Poking, Lets Just Have Sex

   in the mood to push someone down the stairs hit them over the head with a fire extinguisher then bury the body under the garden patio

   Hey! I said no pickles! That's it...I wanna speak to the frigg'n McManager!!!

   When the Chinese teach their babies to eat with chopsticks,do they start them off with toothpicks?

   knows that her house wont clean itself, but thinks that it really should make the effort!!!

   the last thing you'll ever do is die..... It's true, just wait and see

   I'm in a quite room with a bubble in my tummy.......... I wonder if the bubble is shy and quite or loud and ghetto.........stay tuned to find out!!!

   When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at flooring?

   well Obama just signed the Health Care Bill... I'm making sandwiches and moving into a storm cellar.

   Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.

   if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity.

   if at first you don't succeed, you will never make it to second.

   life is too short to date ugly men!!!

   It's "NEIGHBOR'S BEST FRIEND'S SISTER-IN-LAW'S COUSIN'S STEP BROTHER WEEK" if you have a neighbor whose best friend's sister-in-law has a cousin with a step-brother who is the bomb, copy & paste this as your status or don't.

   Took my Dog to sign up for Welfare. The Clerk said that Dogs aren't eligible. I said why not, the Dog is unemployed, Lazy, Can't Speak English and doesn't have a clue who his Dad is.

   Sometimes I Feel No Matter What.... The Girlfriend Is Always Right Products