Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I meet a girl I always greet her with my left hand...I dont want her to meet the competition

   The hardest part of driving to me is putting on my seatbelt. I just cant seem to find the time to take 3 seconds out of a 20 minute drive to buckle up. Its sad really

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   so far, this is the oldest I've ever been

   Dont smoke...there are cooler ways to die.

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Please tell your breast to quit staring at me!

   Just bought a "Flux Capacitor" off eBay!

   A council estate in Liverpool was recently closed due to the discovery of an unidentified object. After 8 hours of scientific testing it turned out to be a payslip.

   If I'm reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.

   Revolution until victory

   I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   Internet Beef: When You can sit in a bedroom in Mexico and talk about knockin out somebody in Finland and it will never come back to you.

   In _____________ they consider counting sheep a wet dream.

   Just got a toy black cat as a prize in a box of Lucky Charms.

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   in a relationship with herself and its complicated..

   Just got my confirmation! I'm on the guest list for Charlie Sheen's Brews, Blow & Hoe's party.

   Just got into an argument with a voice automated response system on the phone…It hung up on me when I said ‘I used to finger your grandmother'….