Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   living in a van....down by the river!

   Darn it! Everytime I google "Google applications" I get a link to google search engine. I'm trying to get a job at Google but finding at application to fill out is impossible!!

   #LOST its like an EX girlfriend.. You enjoy remembering all the six years you had.. Until you get angry and how the Ending was!

   Apparently Diet Pepsi has come out with a new "skinny" can...does that mean regular Pepsi will be coming out with a new "fat-ass" can?

   Why would you try to avoid risks in life? To make it safely to death?

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   The Devil doesn't like Heavy Metal music, he listens to Barry Manilow. I have proof.

   you know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music

   OMG! I just had a full grown GOOSE poop on my windshield! Looks like I just got egged. Go back to Canada!

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.

   If you have kids, your life is kids. If you don't, your life is going out to eat and buying electronics.

   STALKERS meeting tonight at that secret spot! You know the one!!

   took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....

   going to paint the town red tonight. Unfortunately the town now has Cameras installed and he got spotted and arrested.

   I found a skull near my home today. I went to call the police, but curiosity got the better of me and I picked the skull up and wondered "Who was this person?","Where did he come from?" "How did he die?",and "Why did he have moose antlers?"

   My wife asked me if I wanted to go on a date for Valentine's, so I asked her with who and do I know her...................then the trouble started.

   No my child, you may not have a cheese, peanut butter, fluff and cookie sandwich. Why? Because its just flat out disturbing that you thought those would make a great sandwich

   It's illegal to text while driving, but apparently it's okay for the police to surf CopNET on the freeway at 70 MPH.

   at Walmart letting the one tooth wonder check me out!!!