Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had Two cookies I'd give you one, If I had two guys I'd give you the other cookie

   Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

   Bristol Palin says she'll eventually run for political office. Americans say they'll eventually run for Canada.

   I love eating at Subway. It's the only place I get to say "I'd like a 12 inch Italian" without being judged.

   Spiders: Nature's little reminder that you can still scream like a little girl.

   Word for today: Dipshidiot

   Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.

   I love hearing those 3 little words..."Your prescription's ready".

   it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson's by 2011?

   You know it's cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.

   When a man says "I can't find it", he actually means, "Since it is not within a two foot radius of me, I have no clue where it could be".

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   having a mental margarita. It was delivered by a shirtless cabana boy.

   Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

   My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......

   I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )