Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you're like an open Facebook

   "Everybody loves metal music, or if they don't, they should, or will eventually." - Metal Musicians

   Ever have one of those days where you want to punch someone so hard in the mouth that they will have to stick a toothbrush up their a$$ to brush their teeth?

   party in my treehouse at 430

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   Party in my snowfort at 7pm. BYOB, no coolers needed.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and thought about how much better it would be if they had a personality...

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   I cant wait till April 7th of this year!!! "Oh thank heaven 4-7-11"

   Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...

   I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in egypt, but I suspect it;s some sort of pyramid scheme

   There's an 80% chance that a meteorologist is going to be wrong.

   the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!

   Cinderella is proof that a fancy pair of shoes can change your life!!

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs

   Thank You Kellogg's® Crunchy Nut™ cereal for the great slogan “It's morning somewhere”…Now, when I have afternoon or evening wood for no apparent reason, I have an answer….