Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Alaska, please refrain from gifting your weather next year.

   i'm like an ostridge, i'll stick my head in any dirty hole

   I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

   Damn!! My internet is running slower than a turtle with 3 broken legs and a massive head injuty--doesn't it know that I am a FB addict?

   When the I in "I love you" becomes more important than the "you," the word in the middle just fades away.

   My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.

   WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.

   Don't blame me for your lack of self-esteem... That's why it's called SELF-esteem.

   we got about 18 inches of "global warming" on the ground now...

   does anyone else think that Bert and Ernie weren't so much 'funny ha ha' as they were 'funny...well...you know...

   If you got attacked by a bunch of homeless people would you be bummed?

   hates snow blowing.... it gives me an ice cream headache.

   just heard that Obama peeked his head out of the White House and saw his shadow....well, I guess it's six more years of recession...

   girls are like phones. we love to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!!

   Stalking is such a strong word....i perfer the term surveillance expert

   Just built a time machine, it's taken me days and heaps of uncooked macaroni. I wrote this tomorrow!

   reading other statuses right now, but your status is important to me. Please stay online and your status will be read in the order it was received. Approximate wait time is 17 mins.

   Just got a new puppy! I named him Go away, poor little guy is going to be so confused everytime I call him.

   ...can't believe how less sophisticated and superstitious the people of Egypt seem like on tv. I mean it's ridiculous!! Hey, did anyone see whether the ground hog saw his shadow today??....

   The Steelers have enough Rings to become a Planet!!!