Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision. -Dwight Schrute.

   at my age it's not my cereal, but my body that goes SNAP, CRACKLE and POP!

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd buy you. And I'd get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.

   Headline: "Police watch for sex trafficking ahead of Super Bowl." I guess the Steelers have finally arrived in Dallas.

   i always wondered why gay men look so young and healthy... then I realized they dont have to deal with women

   what a beautiful day, I think i'll work on the permanent indent on my couch..

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   u better think twice before coming out of your hole mr. hog

   Just finished some great games of racquetball. What a great way to relieve stress and lower your blood pressure, almost as good as ...................... but not quite!

   Why does anyone ever bother to say "don't look"? Because we all know what happens next...

   Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.

   Hey, hey! Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   ‎400 lbs of salt and two snow blowers for sale, thanks weathermen! Excuse me while I Go sledding through my grass.

   jI just finished installing a flux compacitor in my DeLorean and I'm heading back in time to prevent the band Hanson from releasing the song "Mmmm Bop"! I need to stop that atrocity from ever happening!

   Don't worry about it, the next man no matter how much he is smiling and acting like they got it together is struggling too! Keep fighting.

   Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little.

   I guess it's safe to say, Punxsutawney Phil won't be out tomorrow