Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some peoples relationship status should be "In a relationship with ___ while cheating with ___ and at the same time talking to ___"

   Don't dwell on your past, disappointments, or failures, you can't trip on something behind you.

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   Penguins car breaks down he takes it to the shop goes across the street for an icecream but cant eat it very well because he has a beak. Walks back over to pick up his car mechanic says looks like you blew a seal penguin says nope just icecream

   Sometimes to much to drink is never enough

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done

   Jerry "The King" Lawler, Number One Contender for the title!!!!!!!

   How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?

   Did you hear about the new, talking-terrorist doll? They don't know what it says; everyone is afraid to pull the string.

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   How to make a fire easy... 1. Get a bunch of sticks and arrange them in a pyramid. 2. Put rocks around the sticks in a circle. 3. Wave your RIGHT hand over the sticks in a circular motion and say "Wakaaa...Flockaaa...FLAME!"

   WOW!! This winter storm system spans 2000 miles!!

   figured out that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

   's tip of the day: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

   That little Justin Biber chick is really starting to piss me off! Why can't one of the Olsen Twins give her Herpes or something?

   this heat is making me as confused as a baby in a strip club...

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?