Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   O' HAPPY DAYS , first an ice storm followed by a whole month of black history month !

   If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one way makes you sad or angry...I meant the OTHER way...

   it might just be me, but oranges from the tree at the cemetary seem a little sweeter.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   The coolest part about wallet chains is that they let potential thieves know your wallet isn't worth stealing.

   Dear IRS: First of all, you should know I filled my form out with my middle finger.

   says if there were no bad parents, there would be no good strip clubs!

   How do you walk like an Egyptian in 2011? You don't. Running across streets, flipping cars, and setting fires are the prerequistes

   No man has ever said to a woman, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache."

   There is really a Miss Facebook beauty pageant. I wonder if the bathroom pictures are scored lower?

   Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

   I love snow it can make the dirtiest ghetto look clean.

   Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee

   Once saw a man in the back who said 'Everyone Attack', but it didn't turn into a ballroom blitz.

   having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top!

   If anyone knows of a good "mechanic", I'll foot the bill if he can help us out with (ooter

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   I was just driving down the highway and I saw a guy just texting and not paying attention to the road! Can you believe that? I was so mad I almost dropped my beer

   wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".