Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it wrong when your pubic hair is longer than your pubic?

   I'm the type of person who would spend 20 years becoming a judge, just so ONE person could be all, "You can't judge me!" And I'm like, "Bull$hit."

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   When you start to believe your own lies is when you know you're getting good at it.

   I love getting voicemails from my grandma. They usually consist of a pause, then "I don't think he's home."

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?

   I'm having one of those days where when I get home I'm going to lean against the door, and slide down it while dramatically sighing.

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   ANYONE gonna ask Press Sec'y Gibbs what that violent uprising is on his face? Is it me or does Gibbs have herpes on his lip?

   America is the only nation in history which has gone miraculously gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation

   The 100% American is 99% idiot.

   Does anyone else's leg falsely alert you that your phones vibrating? I hate that!

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Justin Biber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Biber

   Have you ever posted something in your status just to see how quickly someone will 'like' it?

   I have been watching all the rioting in Egypt on TV and have yet to see somebody walking like an Egyptian

   Dear Taco Bell, your 35% shreds of beef are like delicious shriveled delicacys of bliss and happiness from the rainbow of a dsylexic leprekuan... But I'm a carnivore and need at least 70% real meat to continue eating your contramptions.... Please work on

   All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

   the Egypt uprising also Sarah Palin's fault?

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.