Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   "Dad, what does 'gay' mean?" "It means 'to be happy'." "Are you gay?" "No, son. I'm married."

   My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

   I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

   She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

   I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

   I'm not a social drinker. It's mostly work related.

   I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.

   Attracting men is just like fishing. You just have to wiggle the bait.

   We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up like Batman & The Joker.

   When I was a kid, snow days cost $100 and only lasted a few hours...

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"

   : If you have ever seen me drunk, click the 'like' button... 30 or more likes, you have a problem.

   my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!

   He's rather listen to an entire series of audio books read by Gilbert Gottfried than to listen to your babbling BS any longer.

   LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!

   Oprah sister is the new Pat; Pat is the new Stedman and Stedman is the new Tampon.

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer!

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.