Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union speech: It sucks. We're broke. Quit bitching. Goodnight.

   Today's life lesson: If you can't wow them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit.

   Love,Live,Exist and be loyal. The rest is a piece of cake. You only live once so live your life right

   If Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, then explain waiting in line for 2 hrs for a 2 minute ride and the $5 sodas.

   I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

   we should have a way of telling ppl their breath stinks with out hurting their feelings like: "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   I decided to eat healthier at dinner so I'm eating two bananas.. Is it too crazy if it feels weird that they don't come with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup... and a side of french fries? :(

   In case you missed the State of the Union address, let me sum it up for you, gay soldiers will win the future by riding high speed trains to salmon farms.

   It's been said that Obama hasn't had a cigarette in 9 months. If that's true,then why does it feel like he's still blowing smoke up our ass?

   a strong man stands up for himself,an even stronger man stands up for others

   wonders why the Kia Soul commercial doesn't have rats instead of hamsters. I mean, they live in NY, listen to rap music and drive a Kia Soul for Christ's sake!

   grammar - not just a type of school anymore.

   why is it that when a door is slightly open it's ajar but when a jar is slightly open it's not a door?

   I wanted to watch the Biggest Loser last night... I turned on the TV, and there he was...

   Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!

   Thinks people get mad when you don't use korrect grammar and spelin, because they can't just copy/paste it to thier Facebook. Sorry you had to add a comma, it must be such an inconvenience.

   has been trying to plug the keyboard from his PC into his HI-FI system. Call me stupid if you want but that would just be stereo typing

   I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm :)

   So much sh!t comes out your mouth that your a$$ is jealous