Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

   Some women are terribly hard to please... the rest are impossible!

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?

   Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

   it legal yet to kill ex-husbands?? If not, vote for me next election, and I'll make that piece of legislation my first order of business.

   If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

   Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

   Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

   Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

   I don't need a relationship. What I need...is a friendship that will make it easy to lead into one.

   Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   My 2010 in review: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   I am doing a hook rug of Bart Simpson. I REFUSE to use black and yellow. (Pittsburgh SUCKS!) Instead I am using Brown and Orange. (Die hard BROWNS fan!) Bart is ending up looking like Snookie.

   *Spoiler Alert* Tonight's State of the Union address will go as follows; There are no jobs,gas prices are outrageous, crime is on the rise, and the economy still SUCKS....THE END!

   hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!

   Women don't know what they want and change minds often. Lesson over.

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........