Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just once I want my wife to greet me like the dog, jumping on me, licking me all over and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated

   I've decided that if I ever go into witness protection my name will be Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina

   9 out of 10 doctors think that other one is just a hater

   cmon now, lets be serious...noone would be stupid enough to catch a grenade for anyone.

   better being black than gay, cos you dont have to tell your parents.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.

   Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

   Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

   I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

   If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

   Hi I'm the T-Mobile My Touch 4G. Since Apple gave Verison the IPhone and not us, we feel salty and are going to attack them in every commercial.

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   What's six inches long, two and a half inches wide, and drives women wild?................................. Money

   Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

   Baby,baby,baby ooh!" Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to justin bieber AGAIN..? Daughter: No I'm watchin PORN... Mom: Oh thank God

   maybe I'm not pretty, nice, funny, popular, hot or charming...but at least; I'M NOT FAKE!

   its days like this that some idiot out there feels the bravado to stick the tongue on a metal pole, I prefer to put my tongue on something warm, pink and juicy...

   If you ever want to see a woman crying or screaming, just turn on oxygen.