Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.

   your eye's sparkle like a bass boat in the sunshine.....

   Everytime I think I'm going to get some pie, the bakery closes early.

   needs a hero! If not then at least a BLT....I'm hungry.

   says welcome to Facebook... Your mortgage is past due.

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   If cars could fly I probably still wouldnt get one. My car breaks down enough on the road

   this status has been made from 90% recycled status posts. Just doing my part to keep Facebook Clean and clutter Free.

   Steven Tyler has the face only a mother could love.

   theres no time for pants!

   recommended by 4 out of 5 ex-girlfriends.

   breaking news cat stuck in a tree, only fox.. .

   I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone".

   wishes I could search Google for my car keys...

   1. Go to Google Maps and click on "Get Directions." 2. Enter "USA" as your start point. 3. Enter "Japan" as your destination. 4. Go to the 31st point on your route. 5. Repost this on your status

   "I'm not saying you're a slut, but you would talk to a garbage can if it were waiving a $5 bill at you!!"

   hates the soup to meat ratio in a can of soup:(

   Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of w

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.