Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed

   woke up on the wrong side of someone else's bed this morning.

   Cold poptart and instant coffee = The breakfast of champions that wake up really late for work.

   Why is it the windshield washer sprayer only freezes over when you most need it?

   going to go observe the ladies' shakeweight class at the gym.

   Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.

   Next time think I'll just throw the corn directly into the toilet and skip the eating part.

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. Today I feel like the windshield washer fluid and heavy duty windshield wipers cleaning up the mess left in my view.

   wonders.....have you ever had one of those days that all you can do is smile, sing, dance and and yell from from the mountain tops how good life is??? Well, today certainly wasn't one of those days for me....

   If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

   Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. A friend or money?

   Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

   It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

   If you ask me "Is it snowing OUTSIDE?" prepare to get a sarcastic response.

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   Wished they would make roads wider so I could drive sideways and not hit anything