Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I checked out a dating site. That famous "ugly stick" sure has been busy.

   If I had to pick which Kevin Bacon movie I like the most, It would be a tie,.... between all of them

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   as much as I like to laugh at AI, having Steve Tyler as a judge is like having Secretariat giving pony rides at a child's party.

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   Don't you hate it when some fat ass in a fast food drive thru orders $40 in food.

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   The sign says "Smoke Free" That's Good.. I hate the places that charge you to smoke!!!

   A boomerang is a Frisbee for lonely kids.

   Dating websites should model themselves after facebook, with an ugly button.

   I feel like I am retaining water today. Omg. that's it. no more lifetime movies or chick flicks....

   would like to partake in the consumption of multiple alcoholic beverages this evening

   Treat ur tuthbrush like a girlfrnd Use atleast twice a day Dont let any1 else use it, & replace it in every 3 months.:-)

   dealin with backstabbers there was one thing I learned.. they are only powerful when you got ur back turned.

   String theory is the basis of our universe?? So, God made us in a macramé class??

   I've started a new exercise regime. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do one sit-up.

   obama hears a hu

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

   I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.