Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   They should make a more honest name for 16 and Pregnant. Stupid Little Girls sounds good to me.

   finds it ironic that I have to get out of bed on humpday.

   DO NOT breathe in my face, if you can't handle the truth........."Hey, does my breath smell like tacos?"..."Did you have chicken sh!t tacos?"..."No?!?"..."Well then, your breath does NOT smell like tacos..."

   In West Virginia, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching him because he was completely out of breath.

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here.

   The best gift anyone has ever given me is the truth. I will take the truth over a cleverly wrapped lie every time.

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   later on this week I go to the doctor & see my arch enemy again...the scale

   Honestly.... I really do care where and when you workout

   I gotta admit, I got a lil excited when I heard they're remaking Total Recall, this time with Colin Farrell. I was wondering who they'd get to play the 3 breasted mutant prostitute ... then it hit me ... SNOOKI would be perfect!

   Tip: Don't blow your nose in a well used public restroom...sometimes being stuffed up is a good thing....unless you like the sensation of being punched in the face with a sack full of a**holes...

   was so depressed last night I called a lifeline...call center was in afghanistan, I told them I was suicidal and they got all excited and ask if I could drive a truck...

   No one wants to hear a guy say 'they're getting 8" tonight', hence the reason all weather reporters should be female, cuz who doesn't like to hear a woman talk dirty like that, even if it's about snow?

   Due to the politcal climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective"

   "Dear Life ...Patience is a virtue of a few and I have been ur sincere student for quite sometime now so plz give up on the idea of me giving up....Destiny awaits me......"

   If you only remember one thing today, remember this.

   Just passed a street sign that said "Slow Children at Play". That's not very nice.

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?