Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are like farts, if you push to hard, things could get messy!

   I'm alone by choice, but your alone by being yourself!

   misses the days when someone could watch an actual music video on MTV. I also miss the days when we didn't have to watch a 60 sec ad that loads oh so fast, but what the video we want to watch will take another 3 minutes.

   snowed inn with his family a loaf of bread and 3 fish...uh what was that recipe again Jesus?

   She turned me into a newt! But I got better.

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

   pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."

   why do all the new smartphones have porn on them? Who in their right mind is out in public thinking, "ya know i'd really like to jerk off right now"?

   off to the printer to have my new t-shirts made. I've got, “I beat anorexia” shirts to sell to fat people and, “I beat obesity” shirts to sell to skinny people.

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   They say a computer keyboard is germier than a toilet. I'm not surprised with all the sh*t emails I get.

   I always laugh at myself. If I didn't, everyone else would be having fun without me.

   I wish I could be as enthusiastic about life as my dog is about the arrival of the mail man..

   My hooptie rollin', tailpipe draggin' Heat don't work an' my girl keeps naggin'

   Warning!!!! I have character defects and I am not afraid to use them!!!

   The Green Gay Fudge Packers are going down on Sunday!

   how do you stop a RAVENS fan from masterbating? Paint it BLACK and GOLD he will never beat it again!

   has a hangover so bad that the only thing keeping him alive is the hope that he'll drop dead

   I just noticed that I walked around all morning with a ball point pen in my shirt pocket WITHOUT the cap on...think I finally earned the right for my 'Thug Life' tattoo...