Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   stuck his hand in the junk drawer; Now it smells like (insert name).

   Hugh Hefner, 84, Engaged to Playmate, 24? Yeah, that makes sense.

   Im sure that 24 year old playmate model is not at all interested in Hugh Hefner's money. In fact if he were just a typicaly average senior citizen quite certain she would be equally in love with him. Did I mention I speak fluent sarcasm?

   Some women should just come with talk plans like my cell phone, because after to much conversation my MIND starts roaming!

   only 4 more days before you all make resolutions you won't keep anyway

   Congrats to Hugh Hefner on your recent engagement. And thank you sir for showing us naked photos of the women you've banged since 1953.

   Before starting any new chapter to study...i always count da number of pages!!

   Hef engaged to a 24 year old?! Now I'm inspired that my future trophy wife may not even be born until 2040!

   Everybody got snow blowers...Me all I got is man power a shovel.You wont see me in the gym gettin ready for Summer.

   ..... 84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he's the same age as Jesus!

   I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

   now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

   Oh snap, I just dropped my cocaine in the snow. I'll never find it now.

   These days, there are all sorts of people who get shortened names. For example, Jennifer Lopez gets called J-Lo, Susan Boyle gets called SuBo and some people call Simon Cowell something like SyCo. I don't think Pete Doherty will go for it...

   I heard Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery with one of her children – she wasn't in and had to go to the sorting office to pick it up.

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   small achievable dreams are better than impossible big illusions

   Apparently my awesomitude outshines my kickassedness.

   If you hate sarcasm then stop asking stupid ass questions.

   Predicting the future is easy, no one can prove that you're wrong.