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How is everyone talking about the next presidential debate and not one person is talking about Chipotle now having chorizo?! 
At my age I would rather change a tire than a diaper.
My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...
Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.
Don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
I'm so happy these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water. That’s roughly how many times I need to flush.
If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.
I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.
Make sure to use the extra hour this weekend not changing anyone's mind about the election on Facebook.
Feeling pretty good about myself -- just used the self-checkout line and only needed to call the attendant twice.
Waiting for the election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project. I know I did my shi$ right but I'm worried ya'll F'd it up..
When they go low, we get high. . .
"Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle
My entertainment today consists of browsing the commitment reports to see how many domestic battery arrests were made during Thanksgiving dinner...
Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.
I try to live an #adventurous life but its hard to do it with $17 disposable #income a week.
This Christmas you can either join the Mile High club or the less prestigious Rock Bottom club, having sex on a Greyhound bus. If that's not rock bottom, I don't know what is.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler....So straighten up and fly right
I lost money and friends this year but I just want my money back 